The good enough mother

At times, we all struggle with parenting. We wonder how we are doing as a parent or maybe even judge our own perceived performance - good mommy moment/bad mommy moment. And then there's that ever present mommy guilt lingering in the corners of our mind. Below is an article discussing just that and pointing out that good mothers aren't perfect mothers. Probably something a lot of us just need to be reminded of every once in a while.

The Good Enough Mother

By Elaine Heffner, CSW, Ed.D., pubished on pbs.org

Amy, the mother of a four-year-old boy, was upset. She had just had the final conference of the year with her son's nursery school teacher. She heard some really good things about her son; she heard that he is very bright, makes friends easily and is very well liked. But the teacher also told her that sometimes he gets silly and babyish. Sometimes when she works individually with the children, he refuses to work with her. So Amy worried about whether there was something wrong with her son and wondered what she might have done to create these "problems."
Why do mothers tend to think that everything is their fault?

As mothers, we want everything to be perfect for our children. More than that, we imagine we can make it so. Sometimes there are things we don't like about ourselves or our lives and blame our upbringing. We want to fix what we think went wrong with us and do it right for our children. If only we could be perfect mothers, we could create the perfect life for our children and they in turn would be perfect. But since children are not perfect, we think there must be something wrong with us – that we must be at fault.

Besides, everyone acts as if a mother is responsible for everything her child does. People glare at you in the supermarket if your child acts up – as if you don't know how to manage him. They make comments on the bus if your child is unruly. If your daughter protests loudly when you leave to go out in the evening the babysitter or your mother might think, "She never does that with me."

As if that isn't enough, there are so many theories about how children should be raised in order for them to become emotionally well-adjusted, smart, successful and happy. And mothers are the ones on the hot seat. Now that so much has been learned about brain development, mothers feel responsible for that too! Child development research from its beginnings has, too often, assigned mom the role of primary influence, responsibility – and blame!

The message mothers take from all of this is that there is a right way to do things, and if you do it the wrong way you will damage your child. Any problem must mean you are doing something wrong, and so it is your fault. To be a good mother, it seems as though you have to be perfect and never make any mistakes.

The trouble with this idea is that even if you were a perfect mother (if there ever were such a person), that's not what would be best for your child. Your child has to grow up to live in the real world, and the real world isn't perfect. A child can't expect always to have people around her who understand her or cater to her every wish. Children have to learn to share, take turns, wait for what they want and realize that other people have needs and moods, too. Having to learn this can be frustrating, so children act up in various ways to show their displeasure. They show their feelings by behaving in ways that adults don't always like, and sometimes lead mothers to believe that they have done something wrong to cause that behavior.

But what about Amy and the teacher's report? Was Amy responsible for her son's behavior? Well, only if you think it was her fault for having a second child (which, by the way, she did feel guilty about). Actually, her son's babyish behavior was his way of saying that he wanted some baby treatment — like being carried or drinking from a baby bottle – and didn't want to be considered a "big boy." When Amy realized that his behavior was saying something about him, rather than about her, she was able to find many ways to help him appreciate being four instead of still being a baby.

So being a good mother does not mean being a perfect mother. A good enough mother is good enough.

A good enough mother:

• loves her child but not all of his behavior.
• isn't always available to her child whenever he wants her.
• can't possibly prevent all her child's frustrations and moods.
• has needs of her own which may conflict with those of her child.
• loses it sometimes.
• is human and makes mistakes.
• learns from her mistakes.
• uses her own best judgment.

There are no perfect mothers and no perfect children. If we accept our own limitations, we are better able to accept those of our children and of life itself. In that way we become good enough mothers. And good enough mothers are the real mothers.

School Aged Twins...To Separate or Not

Via email, one of our members asked for advice concerning a Kindergarten issue. She was wondering whether or not to separate her twins. Here is some feedback she received.

Our twins are now in first grade. They had a dependence on each other and did not do well when seperated at preschool, even for a short period. We kept them together for Kindegarten, the first time one went home sick was traumatic for the one left behind, but a huge growth experience for both. The teacher said there is no issue having them together. As they are growing, they are still just as close, but the interdependence on each other is waning, without the trama of seperation. I agree with other posts, it varies by twins, ask them and then be flexible enough to change the situation in the first week of school if necessary.

We kept our twins together for Kindergarten and First Grade (boy/girl twins). At that point, I asked them what they'd prefer, and they said to be separated. They have been separated since. That approach worked well for us. I made an appointment and talked with the principal (spring) to request they be together; normally our school splits them. I then put it in writing when they wanted to be separated. One thing I would have done differently was to request that both had one good friend in their classroom the first year they were split. I (incorrectly) assumed they would do that. The beginning of that year was a little rough for my daughter; I think it would have been easier if she had a good friend in her class.

Each year I would ask my sons' teachers if they saw any reason my sons should not be in the same class. (Our school only had one class for each grade) One teacher, that only had them once a week, did not even know they were twins (fraternal). Ask the boys as you go along and the teachers for feedback. Things could change as they grow.

I say keep the twins together if there are no rivalry issues or other reasons to separate. As soon as Kindergarten, kids are bringing home work and projects. It's much easier to keep up with one teacher and lesson plan versus two. School is a learning curve for both the parent and the twins. Make things easy on everyone the first year and re-evaluate as needed. Definitely talk to your school district though as each district differs on how much control the parent has in decisions such as classroom placement.

Nobody Told Me...

Twins Sweat

This is the one thing no one told me about before having twins. The sweat, oh the sweat. I guess when you think about it, it all starts when you are carrying the babies inside your belly! There are many different sweats that you have as a twins mom.

1) Stand up sit down - This is the sweat that happens when you find yourself on the ground playing with the babies at a comfortable temperature. Next thing you know you have a poopy diaper, so you are up. Change the diaper, crawl back on the ground, then you smell something. You guessed it, up again. Then crawl back on the ground only to realize you have been holding it for an hour now because you did not have a free moment to relieve yourself, so you guessed it, up again.

2) The hustle - You are playing with a baby only to realize you hear a funny gurgling. You quickly search the room for a burp cloth so you can catch whatever it is that comes up.

3) The indoor/ outdoor - This sweat occurs when you are outside in the cold, then go inside someplace and try to get the kids settled. You still have your coat on and cannot help but sweat.

4) Let's get outta here - This one occurs when you decide on a limb to go someplace. You quickly bundle both babies, cage the dogs in the basement, carry the babies to the car. By the time you get into the front seat, you guessed it, sweat.

5) Embarrassed sweat - Everyone has been there. You are in public and you have a screaming baby. You pick them up, get them calmed down and back into their seat. Next thing you know you have another screaming baby. Repeat. Not only are you tired from holding the babies, but you are completely embarrassed. Pretty much immediate sweat.

That about sums up my baby sweats! I am sure you are happy to have read this. Please feel free to add your own. I am guessing my husband loves me just a little bit more right now.


Written by Michele mother of Grady and Gwen 6-29-09
www.kotheclan.blogspot.com

Ooohs and Awes...

This is also posted at Ventalicious but since I knew my fellow multiple moms would understand, I decided to post here too. Has this happened to you recently???


I guess I should be used to this by now but I'm not.
Today I went to a meeting for all the "Room Moms". The official title of the group of moms who are at the beckon call of the teacher at any given moment and who officially plans the holiday parties.
We were all sitting in a living room and introducing ourselves. You know the drill. Name, age of kids and teacher's name.
Halfway around the circle it was my turn. My name is KP and I have twins in Mrs. X's class. Before I could even finish my sentence I heard, "ooh, awe, ooh, twins ooh." It never ceases to amaze me. Given the number of twins in the world these days, it seems like a mom would need at least quads to produce that kind of reaction.
Yep, I'm super mom. Not.

To My Babies

On the eve of Kindergarten, this is one mom's words to her twins:

=========================


We've been through a lot together, you and me. It was 6 years ago almost to this day that I found out you were twins. I can't put into words how I felt. The rush of emotions, the overwhelming sense of blessing that I felt at that moment.

Days later another overwhelming sense came over me...that of nausea, intense doctors visits, high level sonograms and hospital stays. Together we endured weeks of bed-rest, surgery and then many sleepless nights.

I remember the days when it was a struggle to get you to take an ounce of milk. I worried about your weight gain and counted your wet diapers. The minutes between feedings meant precious sleep. I took advantage of every minute I could get. The day you found comfort in your fingers and thumb was a peaceful day for Daddy and me. It meant that you would sleep through the night. How thankful we were.

You babbled, spoke your little twin language and soon started saying Mama. It was music to my ears. I worried that you would never walk and once you did, I worried that you would never stop.

We started playgroups, zoo/museum trips and library story times. What fun we had together, just you and me. We explored the unknown world and I learned more than I ever thought I would. You began to ask questions, some of which I didn't have answers to. I made up some of the answers, as you will soon find out, but for a time you thought your mommy knew everything.

You ran to me with all your worries, doubts and questions. I was your comfort in this big, unknown world.

I think back to all we have done together, just you and me. It's been a whirlwind and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Now you are off on your own for the very first time. You will begin to discover this great big world on your own. It's time for you to spread your wings and fly, my sweet babies. With all the things that we have experienced together over the past 6 years you are fully equipped to step out on your own and fly.

I can't wait to see what you do. The dreams I have for you are boundless. You have the potential to do anything your heart desires. I pray that these 6 foundational years will be used by God as a basis for the rest of your lives. You're off on a new adventure and although I will not always be by your side as in the past, I am here as your biggest cheerleader and support. My prayers for you are unceasing and my love is unending.

God-willing, we have many more days together. Even though we won't have endless hours together to do as we wish, I look forward to all the things you will experience on your own as you learn and grow. I want to hear all your stories and I can't wait to see what you have to teach me along the way.

We can never go back to the days we have shared but the future is bright and I thank my God everyday for you, my sweet babies.

Eight Truths about Parenting Multiple Toddlers

Another great article (and some humor on parenting multiple toddlers) by Elizabeth Lyons...

Without doubt, the toddler years with your twins, triplets, or more will be full of laughter and amazement, not to mention CEO-level management. It is a time during which you will see clear evidence of the bond that has been forming between your children since the moment they were conceived. There are also many common challenges parents encounter while raising multiple toddlers. The bottom line is that these little people, while only two or three years old, are thoroughly convinced they rule the roost. That’s the bad news. The good news—you’re not alone!

A little advance mental preparation goes a long way toward long-term sanity. Knowing what’s coming will ensure that you are at least one step ahead of those of us who had no idea what we were in for.

It Will Be a Very Noisy Time
Two and three year olds are notorious for having an opinion on nearly everything. They are also prone to needing to express those opinions—loudly—at each and every opportunity. That in itself makes for a potentially deafening environment much of the time. However, put two, three, or more toddlers with opinions in a room together and you’ll quickly find value in construction-grade earplugs. Additionally, toddlers don’t merely express their opinions; they need to be sure you’ve heard them. They don’t really care whether or not you agree, but they do require an indication that you’re listening. Until they receive that acknowledgement, they will continue to repeat the same comment or question over and over (and over) until you respond—and then possibly a few more times even after you’ve acknowledged them. Be prepared to make the words, “Uh-huh,” “OK,” and “Yes” staples of your vocabulary. Although be careful that you don’t become too unaware of what they are saying as you respond so carelessly. One day, my boys were communicating why it was so important that they retrieve and consume a bag of marshmallows, and in my state of exhaustion, I uttered several “Uh-huhs.” Before I knew it, they were on the dining room floor devouring the contents of the bag hand over fist. Needless to say, it did not go well when I informed them I had “misunderstood,” and that the marshmallows needed to go back into the pantry.

The Art of Childproofing Will Be Taken to a Whole New Level
Toddlers love to explore. Multiple toddlers tend to take the concepts of exploration and adventure a few steps further and—trust me—they will get into things you never imagined they would (or could). You’ve likely seen the pictures of one twin standing on the other twin’s shoulders in order to retrieve the ice cream from the top shelf of the freezer. I had to screw the floor vent into the floorboards in my sons’ room because they continued to remove it—even after it had been secured with professional-grade carpet tape—and stuff everything under the sun (including the contents of their diapers) down it. My friend Mollie found her boys straddling the tops of their crib headboards as if they were on their own personal broncos even though they can’t yet climb up onto their chairs at the kitchen table by themselves. Multiple toddlers barely speak your language, but they have a way of communicating with one another to strategize a way of reaching the tallest spot in the house or opening anything with a certified childproofing mechanism. In fact, most childproofing mechanisms don’t work for too terribly long with multiples. These days, if I need an outlet cover or a door knob cover removed, I just call on one of my boys. The lesson: If it gets too quiet in the house and you know they are not asleep, be very concerned.

Potty Training Requires Utmost Patience
Most parents dread the potty training process. In fact, I’ve known many a mom who has claimed that in the end, the person who really needed to be potty trained was she, not her child. The reason for this is that when you are in Target and your child announces—just as you are ready to enter the check-out line with an entire cart full of purchases—that he needs to go potty, it’s sometimes easier just to say, “It’s OK honey; you have a Pull-Up on.”

Regardless of the training program you use, it’s a safe bet that your multiples won’t take to using the watering hole at precisely the same moment or in precisely the same manner. Sounds frighteningly familiar to the sleep training routine you went through when they were six months old, doesn’t it? I can almost guarantee that for awhile, once you get child #1 out of the Target restroom, having ascertained to the best of your ability that child #2 does not have to go (and even possibly after convincing her to try anyway), child #2 will announce that she now has to go…right now…or else. And rest assured, it will be the day you decided to try putting them in real underwear, so you won’t even be able to rely on the Pull-Ups. What you will be able to rely on is the fact that a clean-up request will be announced for Lane 6 momentarily.

Patience is the key when potty training multiples. It may not even be worth it to form a strategy for this task because when and where they use the potty is one of the few functions over which children have complete control. It’s also a good idea to keep a training potty in your car for emergencies. The answer to “Can you wait three minutes until we get home?” is typically going to be “No”.

They Are Finicky, and They’ll Switch on a Dime
Know that the minute you produce the apple juice your two year old has requested, he’ll decide he wants orange juice—and will accept nothing less. The issue when you’re raising more than one toddler at the same time is that the instant Katie decides her apple juice isn’t going to work, Kelly will insist that hers isn’t going to work either. Same goes for shirt, pant, and shoe selection. Another enjoyable experience: One of your toddlers asks to watch “Finding Nemo” while the other insists on watching “The Wiggles.” Negotiating that dispute is always fun, but I can assure you that as accommodating as I try to be many days, I will not be purchasing another TV to help such situations! I have one child who likes for me to sing to the radio in the car and one who would have you think such an activity is doing irreparable damage to his ear drums. They both scream, one for me to sing and the other for me to stop. As you can imagine, there is no good solution to this other than turning the radio off, attempting to tune the kids out, and singing a lullaby to myself. You must determine when you will draw the line on the constant need for modifications, and know that the point at which you choose to draw the line can change at any time given how much sleep you had the night before or how many times you’ve had to go through the change routine already that day. I usually try to make it quite clear up front that there is time and opportunity for one choice per meal, outing, or movie watching session.

There Is No Such Thing As a Family Meal That Consists of Fewer Than 20 Options
At some point you will likely determine it’s time to begin serving “family dinners,” whereby you all gather around the table for a delicious, healthy meal you’ve slaved over, accompanied by some good old-fashioned family conversation. Such intentions are absolutely to be admired. Be prepared, however, for the fact that in all likelihood, your toddlers won’t like what’s being served (and if only one does, the other may well suddenly change her mind, as I mentioned earlier). I used to become so frustrated when I’d cook a nice meal, only to have it accompanied not by conversation but by constant screaming for Cheerios, marshmallows, or pizza, that I devised a solution that does indeed work about 60 percent of the time. I put applesauce, yogurt, and a fruit or vegetable that I know they like on the table with the other menu items. This way, there’s something I am certain they will eat even if it’s not what they’d order off the menu given the choice, and my husband and I don’t find ourselves having to stand up every four seconds to retrieve such an item from the refrigerator or pantry.

It’s Expensive
Obviously, you’re going to be dealing with multiple shirts, shorts, and shoes for the next 16 years or so. However, the toddler years with multiples can be expensive for more reasons than just clothes. It is usually during these years that we start signing our kids up for music classes, parent/tot swimming classes, mother’s-day-out programs, or—for the extremely optimistic fathers out there—golf lessons. In most cases, you will be responsible for registration and participation fees times two or more. Be sure to inquire whether the program offers a discount for multiples. Oftentimes, at least the registration fee will be reduced. For mother’s-day-out programs, the second child’s registration and participation fees are often discounted. Although it can be expensive, try not to opt out of such activities for financial reasons alone. The time away from the house (and the kids if it’s a mom’s-day-out program) and the social opportunities for the kids are both important. One trick we’ve used is to set aside holiday and birthday money given to the boys instead of spending it on yet another toy. When it comes time to pay the program fees, the money is available. Plus, the grandparents from whom the money often came in the first place are thrilled to be funding such an experience for their grandchildren.

You Are Going to Need a Hobby That You Greatly Enjoy
There is a reason the term “The Terrible Twos” has gained a lot of notoriety. It’s a time during which toddlers learn a great deal, which is exciting to watch. It’s also a time when you will be challenged almost constantly in terms of your ability to be patient and calm, and possibly not to shout “Shut up!” at the top of your lungs as everyone vies for your attention simultaneously for the sixth hour in a row. It will be critical to your sanity during this time to have a hobby you enjoy and can lose yourself in as often as necessary. Older pastimes such as knitting, quilting, crocheting, and sewing are once again attracting young moms. Park districts as well as retail stores specializing in these pastimes often offer reasonably priced courses in the evenings or on weekends if you are a beginner. It’s a great way to get out, meet other women, and work on a project that has an end date in sight and doesn’t scream at you as you work on it. Other options: yoga, photography, or cake decorating. Park districts almost always offer interesting courses for beginners at great rates. Check out their offerings list for next session!

It’s Going to Be Messy
Toddlers have little to no need for order and cleanliness. Find me a toddler’s room that is cleaned by him or her on a weekly basis and, well, I’m moving in with you for a week to absorb your strategy. Play-doh will end up on the floor (but hopefully not in the carpet), crayon will end up on walls (buy the washable kind), sippy cups will spill (even though the manufacturer claims they are spill-proof), and more urine will likely hit the floor than the cute little potty bowl. I know without a doubt that I could clean all day, every day, and be able to start all over again once I was finished. Keep the following running through your head: “I have toddlers. The house is going to be messy. It won’t last forever.” If it gets to a point that is intolerable to you, hire a cleaning service to come every two weeks to at least clean bathrooms, dust, and vacuum. Those are the things you probably won’t get to after you’ve wiped up the play-doh, crayon, spilled milk, and urine (over and over again). Believe me, the money is worth it. After all, they say a cluttered house creates a cluttered mind. I don’t know about you, but if my mind gets any more cluttered then it is already, I’ll turn into someone else.

Occasionally, even amidst the endless tossing of Legos, demands for one more bedtime song, and orders to retrieve a blue plate instead of an orange one, I can understand the toddler mindset. After all, who wouldn’t make the most of an opportunity to draw with reckless abandon on walls, decide the Monsters, Inc. character on his dinner plate is too scary to eat off of, or express every opinion she has? As Clair Adams Sullivan said, “Our children are here to stay, but our babies and toddlers and preschoolers are gone as fast as they can grow up and we only have a short moment with each.” I will try to remember this the next time Henry informs me—with as much frankness and as little apology as anyone his age can—“Me no like Mama sing song. Hurt me ears.”


About the author: Elizabeth Lyons is the mom of five, which includes a set of twins, and is the author of Ready or Not Here We Come! The REAL Experts' Cannot-Live-Without Guide to the First Year with Twins and Ready or Not There we go! The REAL Experts’ Guide to the Toddler Years with Twins. She recently released a new product called Hold It Baby! On-the-Go Toy Organizer, which she calls sanity on a string, at www.HoldItBaby.com. Her web site is www.elizabethlyons.com and her blog is www.LittleHumansBeing.com.

Ten Secrets to Surviving the First Year with Twins

I think many of us in CMOTC have read Elizabeth Lyons books Ready or Not... Here We Come! The REAL Experts' Guide to the First Year with Twins and Ready or Not... There we go! The REAL Experts' Guide to the Toddler Years with Twins. If not, get them and read them! They are not only very funny, but also offer a real look into life with twins. Below are Elizabeth's ten secrets to surviving the first year with twins (printed with her permission).

While pregnant with twins (or more), you are likely to receive more than a few comments—most often from complete strangers—about how rocky the road ahead is going to be. Some folks will seemingly try to convince you you’ll be lucky not to fall into a giant manhole at every step. I’ve always found this most unfortunate. In truth, these folks are partly right; it will be tough. But what they don’t realize is how rewarding and amazing an experience it will be at the same time.

My husband and I went from one child to three in a matter of minutes. (Our daughter was two when our twins were born.) I’ve decided that it’s tough raising any number of children. In fact, I’m convinced that it’s the hardest job there is! There’s no perfect spacing, no perfect age range. You are blessed with what you can handle—what you’re meant to handle—plain and simple.

That said, there are ways to ensure a less stressful first year raising multiples.

If you aren’t one already, become an organized and efficient person as soon as possible.
If you are already a proficient planner, capitalize on it and get even better! Trust me, this is doable. Even if you are the most frazzled person on earth, you are going to learn to be efficient and organized quite quickly because it will be necessary to your survival. According to Stephanie Winston, author of Getting Organized, “Order is whatever helps you to function effectively—nothing more and nothing less. You set the rules and the goals, however special, idiosyncratic, or individualistic they may be.” As with nearly everything else during this year, take life day by day, and do what works for you in terms of organizing yourself and your family, even if your mother-in-law thinks you’re nuts (mine, by the way, swears she does not).

Don’t turn down help.
Many people are, by nature, simply more independent than others. It seems that mothers of multiples often fall into this category. Therefore, when help is offered, many of these women shy away from accepting help, often feeling as though saying “Yes” is the same as admitting (at the top of their lungs) “I can’t do this by myself!” Additionally, many women seem to feel that the person who has offered some help surely has a million other things on her own plate and therefore, she shouldn’t accept her offer. I consider myself to be a relatively independent person, so I feel quite comfortable giving you a direct order on this one: ACCEPT HELP! Be sure that the help actually fulfills your definition, however. Having someone else rock and sing to your babies while you cook and clean is often not viewed as “help” by a new mom of multiples. Accept the offer from anyone willing to bring a meal, clean your house, do some laundry, or run an errand. You will have more than enough time sooner than you think to return the favor. Think about it: when you offer to help someone in need, you genuinely want to help. So does everyone volunteering his or her time to you right now. Say thank you and open your door (even if you’re in your pajamas)!

Realign your expectations.
This is of paramount importance to getting through the first year. Relinquish your need (if you have one) to have your entire house clean and in perfect order all the time. One secret I rely heavily on is scented candles (I prefer those by Yankee Candle Company). The “Banana Bread” scent will give the impression that you’ve been cooking all day. “Clean Cotton” will fool visitors into believing you cleaned the whole house just before they arrived. “Lavender” will soothe your mind at the end of a long day. Also, pick up a copy of Forget Perfect, by Lisa Earle McLeod. Lisa reinforces the importance of putting ourselves at or near the top of our priority lists instead of the grime behind the kitchen sink or the toys strewn across the family room. Notes Lisa, “You are not trying to create a perfect childhood, you’re trying to create a functioning adult.” Your time would be better spent singing nursery rhymes than scrubbing walls.

Invest in a crockpot and few good crockpot recipe books.
The crockpot is a marvelous invention. Did you know that you can make quesadillas in a crockpot? The recipes for this contraption have come a long way and it’s not just for beef stew anymore. Whenever you have a spare second during the morning, pop the ingredients in and turn it on. By dinnertime (whether at 6PM or midnight), you have a fabulous meal cooked and the house smells fantastic. If, by some small chance, one of the babies needs you the second you dish up your plate, just put your meal back in the old crockpot and it’ll be warm whenever you’re ready—no more cold dinners! I’m thinking of giving my crockpot a name this year and looking at it more like my own personal food butler.

Schedule weekly alone time with your spouse.
One of the biggest concerns I hear from women with multiples is that when the kids are grown and leave the house, they and their husbands will look at each other and exclaim, “Who are you?” It is important to make your best effort to nurture your relationship with your spouse to ensure this does not happen. When your babies are young, this will be easier (though it may not seem that way at the time) than when they start moving and talking nonstop. However, as the babies get older and the house gets crazier, you may feel as though you and your mate haven’t talked about anything other than where you’re going as you dart out of the house just as he pulls into the driveway. Get a sitter when you’re comfortable taking that step; instead of viewing the cost as an extra thirty dollars for an evening out, look at it as an investment in your marriage and your family. Or forget the sitter and just plan on a late dinner for the two of you when the kids have gone to bed. Sit down and talk about something other than finances, who tackled whom that day, and how you’re going to negotiate the plane ride to grandma’s. I know some days it won’t seem like there’s anything else to talk about, but there is. Remember what you did on your first dates, fantasize about your ultimate retirement or vacation destination, or better yet, plan a date for the following week or month.

Maintain your sense of humor.
If you don’t have one, get one—QUICKLY! Research has shown that smiling causes your brain to release chemicals that make you feel good. Additionally, laughter releases endorphins in your body that allow you to relax. So, when you can only laugh or cry, do the former. It is more fun (and less expensive) than anxiety medication or therapy.

Retain an optimistic perspective.
There’s an old saying, “Attitude is everything.” Keith Harrell, author of a book by the same name, agrees. He states, “Your attitude dictates whether you are living life or life is living you. Attitude determines whether you are on the way or in the way.” And remember, as a general rule, those with positive attitudes enjoy better overall health—a true gift from you to your new bundles of joy. Just when things seem to be at their lowest point, remember: it could always be worse. When I was having a particularly bad hour during the first year with our twins, I would remind myself that there were women in the world juggling sextuplets or more that very second. That usually provided enough clarity to get me through those sixty minutes.

Schedule personal time for yourself on a regular basis.
Many mothers begin to feel as if their lives are somewhat one-dimensional. They become convinced they are losing their own identity in the midst of raising their family. It is extremely important to carve out some time for yourself each day. Even if it’s only to snuggle into bed at night and read People magazine or a chapter of a book that’s been collecting dust on the shelf. Plan to spend time as often as you can with friends in the evenings or on weekends, and plan to do this without your kids when possible. Truly, you cannot take the best care of your family unless you are taking the best care of yourself.

Give yourself permission to make “mistakes.”
Write this statement down and put it in a spot where you will see it at least once a day:During this day, I will do the best I can to be a mother to these children with the information, wisdom, and energy I have at this time.

Hours, days, or weeks from now there will be no point in looking back and saying, “Oh, if I had known THAT I would have done it differently.” Of course you might have, but the bottom line is that you will never be able to go back to that exact point in time—with the information that you now have—and do things differently. You do the best you can with what you have to work with at the time. That’s all you can expect of yourself—and that’s all your children expect from you.

Ignore advice from people whose opinion you don’t truly value.
You are going to get advice on childrearing in general left and right from family, friends, and women behind you in line at the grocery store. People are going to comment on your choice of breastfeeding or bottle-feeding. People will comment on how crazy the babies’ sleeping patterns are (and how much of that is your fault). Sit down and think about the people in your life whose opinions you really value. Now, are any of those people the same ones who you would imagine attempting to give you “advice” that really feels more like criticism of your parenting skills? I doubt it. So, when you want advice, ask for it from the people whom you generally believe will give it to you with your best interests, not their underlying opinions, at heart. For everyone else, smile and keep walking. If it happens in your own home, feign a migraine and retire to your room until the offender leaves.

As Zora Neale Hurston once said, There are years that ask questions and years that answer. This year will most certainly do both—I guarantee it! And I will make you the promise that my great friend Mollie always makes to me: You’re going to make it!


About the author: Elizabeth Lyons is the mom of five, which includes a set of twins, and is the author of Ready or Not Here We Come! The REAL Experts' Cannot-Live-Without Guide to the First Year with Twins and Ready or Not There we go! The REAL Experts’ Guide to the Toddler Years with Twins. She recently released a new product called Hold It Baby! On-the-Go Toy Organizer, which she calls sanity on a string, at www.HoldItBaby.com. Her web site is www.elizabethlyons.com and her blog is www.LittleHumansBeing.com.

To Split or Not to Split

Many of us see Kindergarten on the horizon. I found an interesting opinion on this one on the How do you do it? blog. Click here to read the entire posting all all the comments.

An excerpt is below:

“Unless there is a compelling reason to separate them, the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs ( NOMOTC) and other experts advocate keeping them together, especially in early elementary years. ”


The NOMOTC website has a great article, some of which we have listed below. For the entire article, click on this link.

“Dr. Nancy Segal, author and advocate of keeping multiples together says, “In our culture we appreciate uniqueness, and people wrongly equate twin closeness with a lack of individuality.” She continues, “There’s research that suggests that when friends are in the same class, they’re more exploratory, they cling to the teacher less. So, if we are worried about individuality, why do we let best friends go to school together?” In a University of Wisconsin and the Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College in London research study, 878 pairs of twins from ages 5 to 7 found that twins separated early were observed to be more anxious and emotionally distressed than those who remained in the same class. This was especially true for identical twins.”

We're wondering what your experiences have been like. Please post experiences and opinions in the comments below so others may benefit. Thanks!